Club Schill

Welcome to Club Schill! The hottest new club in town, where all the best ballers in the nation come to dance! Only 65 get in, so make sure you get here early and make sure you’ve got the rep to get in! This is only for the real playas! Posers can talk a walk down the street to the NIT.

The following exchanges took place outside Club Schill:

Kansas State: “Hey, I’m with them.”
Bouncer: “Woah, woah, woah, not so fast buddy.”
KSU: “What? What’s the problem?”
Bouncer: “You thought that just because you brought your friends Texas A&M and Oklahoma State that I’d let you waltz right in? Back of the line.”
KSU: “But I brought my victories over Texas, Texas A&M, and Missouri.”
Bouncer: “Yeah, and those were your only three good wins. You also brought your losses to Kentucky, Iowa, and Oregon. Are you serious? Beat Texas and then we’ll have a longer discussion. Now, back of the line.”

San Diego State: “What’s up man? Why ain’t you lettin’ me in, are you stupid or somethin’? I have an 11-5 conference record.”
Bouncer: “You need to relax. Who the hell do you think you are? Last time I checked the Mountain West wasn’t a power conference. Yeah you got some good teams, but you don’t have a lot of quality wins.”
SDSU: “But I beat UNLV twice, and they’re in the club. I even finished two games better than him in the same league. What’s up with that?”
Bouncer: “Sorry dude. They brought their big victories over Arizona, Louisville, Utah, and two over BYU. You can’t match that.”
SDSU (walking away): “Damn man, I blew it.”
Bouncer: “Hold on a second. You’ve got another crack at UNLV tonight. You beat them again, and we’ll find room to squeeze you in.”

Maryland: “Hey, is there any chance I can get in?”
Bouncer: “Not tonight, son. Typically, wins over North Carolina and Michigan State will do the trick, but you need more than that.”
UM: “Aw, man. I figured. Is it because I finished with a 7-9 record in the ACC?”
Bouncer: “You betcha. But it’s not just that: you’re losses to Morgan State, Virginia, and a blow out at the hands of Georgetown didn’t help your cause. Not to mention the fact that you had only two true road wins.”
UM: “I understand. What can I do to change my fortune?”
Bouncer: “Well, to be honest, you’ve had a lot of chances. But if you beat NC State and then Wake Forest in the ACC tourney, then you might just play your way in as other teams fade. Just stay positive.”

South Carolina: “Yo, make way. USC in the building!”
Bouncer: “Uh, no you’re not.”
USC: “What you talkin’ ‘bout? Do you know who I am? I got a 10-6 record in the SEC.
Bouncer: “You don’t really keep up with current events, do you? The SEC isn’t the SEC anymore. You’ve only got two teams in the club right now. You’re only about the 7th or 8th best conference nowadays.”
USC: “Nah, I don’t believe that crap. 10-6 in a power conference is automatic. Now step aside.”
Bouncer: “Not for you. Your best wins our over fellow SEC bubblers Florida, Kentucky and Auburn. You lost to the only two teams from your league in their right now, LSU and twice to Tennessee. And, you lost to College of Charleston. Do some damage in the conference tourney before you even think of showing your face around here again.”

Creighton: “Excuse me, sir. Do you by any chance have any openings whatsoever in your club? I promise I’ll keep to myself and stand in the corner. No one will have to know I was ever in there, and I won’t tell anyone if you let me in.”
Bouncer: “Sorry, we’re at capacity. I’d really like to let you in, but I just can’t. If some of these guys in here start acting up and get booted though, you’ll be the first to know. You and your buddy St. Mary’s. Keep your fingers crossed.”
Creighton: “Thanks!!!” (runs away).
Bouncer (yelling after them): “There’s a church two blocks down, it wouldn’t hurt you to stop and say a little prayer!”